Relationships
I kinda feel the same. I have to remind myself my life isn't like theirs and I have other goals in life that need to come first.
Like, it would be cool to start going to pubs or places to get more social and to find myself a girlfriend. But I spend most of my time at work doing overtimes I also study at university, Ido fitness and have my hobbies and I don't have time and don't want to sacrifice any of that. But once I finish my studies, get a better job and be more fit then I will have better prospects.
I mean yeah, it would have been cool if I already had everything if my life was perfect from the start but like I said, that isn't my life, that isn't me. We all have our circumstances we all have our pace we all have our order to do things. Your health including mental and your long term goals should come first.
Besides you might see young happy couples and think their life is perfect but what do you know? What if they have 30 times the issues you have and they could wish they could have your life? I think romanticizing relationships is an issue. It could very well be the case of you taking all of your issues and multiplying them by the amount of issues she brings and you both have to take care of the mountain of issues otherwise they will eat you alive and you will both be miserable. Having a relationship isn't the end of the line. Finding someone is the easy part. Living with them day by day is hard without sacrificing yourself your goals and working together to starve off any misery coming your way and to weather any storm together without turning on one another or without drifting appart. That sounds hard.
- FictionDragon - 10-16-22 from The Shame of Adult Virgins and their Identity Crisis
Descr
|
Every relationship is one-sided |
If you can't stop thinking about a person - don't stop |
love = care (direction (i.e. - which type of love) shown via altruism) |
ideal - connection - continuous - method
We're biological beings. Even though we've gotten advanced with technology it's because of our prefrontal cortex - the logical side of our brain. Even though I'm really tech-savvy, relationships are for one of oldest parts of our brain - idk it's not caught up with technology designed for the other parts of the brain, like the pre-frontal cortex. For me I personally, I don't have the time to be with someone 24/7, even if my brain wants it.
Outsourcing ourselves - automated system
esp - instead of texting all day
It's impractical - how do you get anything done? Also others aren't always going to be around for me. So I've created a system where I want the time I'm with someone to be memorable
and that the person I'm with leaves something with me - that 'something I think about, that I remember them with' piece. Something to show that they're there. It's like outsourcing ourselves in a way - that they're at my side, got my back. So we don't need to keep typing away all the time for that confirmation - as there's going to be that meeting place later.
Kind of like planning out a day
Someone says 'I'm going to do laundry - meet you in 2 hours'. So I don't have to think about them or I realize I can meet them then - because they're with me working through my times, even though I don't see them. Not that I would - because I'm focused on what I need to do, but when we meet it's special. It's probably more special than trying to put in the work to be around them all the time. People in relationships ask me to text them every second of the day - and I'm like - 'no' - that's just not worth my time. I'm not going to spend my time saying 'yes I'm alive, this is where I am' all day long.
Relationships shouldn't be work
- it should be memorable
It's up to the individual to know and extrapolate where someone's going to be - and just think and be happy for what they're doing there - that they're getting something done to make time for me. It doesn't really matter - long or short distance - who will be with you 24/7? No one. Sometimes people aren't alive, sometimes they're pulled away - as long as they're with you - with the greatest memories that provide satisfaction to carry you through life - it wouldn't even matter - they're always there.
Productive focus
If I get busy, I can't think about anything else. Sometimes I'm just called away by others to get something done. So I'm just focused on work - I'm not able to think about who needs me at that moment. I just forget. Honestly this happens all the time in my life where someone's already married but they care about me so instead of having a relationship they give me some food for thought or something to cherish to take with me. Kind of like a keepsake - a momento, a hope for my spirits to keep me going wherever I go.
hubs
Relationship are meant to be freeing to do more - not to be held back by them. Being rooted - not getting lost when apart - means staying connected mentally - even if we don't do status updates in-person - it avoids worrying about the unknowns. The whole point of communication (at least from our side) is to be understood with putting as little effort into it as possible
the whole point of a relationship is to have someone by your side. It's easy to get detached - and memory mementos are a (I forgot the word for it) way to stay attached.
taking the other person (and relationship) seriously
Even when life drifts people apart - you can do it the automated way or the manual one of constant status updates. Being there in spirit frees up the time to be there when it's needed!
Clinginess is just a dependency. Relationships are meant to lead to independence - to be able to reach new heights by helping each other get there! How can you do that holding someone back with obligations? Do something memorable together when together - so when it's time to meet up - it's seeing what they've accomplished and are excited about. Maybe they're writing a new book - you'd peer over the shoulder to see what they're excited about - like a show and tell. Then you'd say how great you feel about it and listen to the direction - if they get stuck - how to move forward. After meeting up with him you'd just go on with your life. If you finish all your work, you'd say you did and when you'd like to meet up. Or you'd give hints that you're missing them to where they think about what they can do - to avoid forgetting about goals and instead put all the energy on them -> see oneself reaching one's goals and have passion in this life. Someone encouraging me to reach my goals - to work together with someone there by my side helping me out.
Memory mementos
Relationships ideally are about finding some keepsake memento memory to cherish and be strong enough to carry you through everything - something that's beside and with you 24/7 even when it's not possible in reality?
Outsourcing ourselves - automated system
esp - instead of texting all day
It's impractical - how do you get anything done? Also others aren't always going to be around for me. So I've created a system where I want the time I'm with someone to be memorable
and that the person I'm with leaves something with me - that 'something I think about, that I remember them with' piece. Something to show that they're there. It's like outsourcing ourselves in a way - that they're at my side, got my back. So we don't need to keep typing away all the time for that confirmation - as there's going to be that meeting place later.
Kind of like planning out a day
Someone says 'I'm going to do laundry - meet you in 2 hours'. So I don't have to think about them or I realize I can meet them then - because they're with me working through my times, even though I don't see them. Not that I would - because I'm focused on what I need to do, but when we meet it's special. It's probably more special than trying to put in the work to be around them all the time. People in relationships ask me to text them every second of the day - and I'm like - 'no' - that's just not worth my time. I'm not going to spend my time saying 'yes I'm alive, this is where I am' all day long.
Relationships shouldn't be work
- it should be memorable
It's up to the individual to know and extrapolate where someone's going to be - and just think and be happy for what they're doing there - that they're getting something done to make time for me. It doesn't really matter - long or short distance - who will be with you 24/7? No one. Sometimes people aren't alive, sometimes they're pulled away - as long as they're with you - with the greatest memories that provide satisfaction to carry you through life - it wouldn't even matter - they're always there.
Productive focus
If I get busy, I can't think about anything else. Sometimes I'm just called away by others to get something done. So I'm just focused on work - I'm not able to think about who needs me at that moment. I just forget. Honestly this happens all the time in my life where someone's already married but they care about me so instead of having a relationship they give me some food for thought or something to cherish to take with me. Kind of like a keepsake - a momento, a hope for my spirits to keep me going wherever I go.
- I can see how it can drive others crazy - those who want constant affirmations. So we just need to be mature in relationship and not take everything personally!
hubs
Relationship are meant to be freeing to do more - not to be held back by them. Being rooted - not getting lost when apart - means staying connected mentally - even if we don't do status updates in-person - it avoids worrying about the unknowns. The whole point of communication (at least from our side) is to be understood with putting as little effort into it as possible
the whole point of a relationship is to have someone by your side. It's easy to get detached - and memory mementos are a (I forgot the word for it) way to stay attached.
taking the other person (and relationship) seriously
Even when life drifts people apart - you can do it the automated way or the manual one of constant status updates. Being there in spirit frees up the time to be there when it's needed!
Clinginess is just a dependency. Relationships are meant to lead to independence - to be able to reach new heights by helping each other get there! How can you do that holding someone back with obligations? Do something memorable together when together - so when it's time to meet up - it's seeing what they've accomplished and are excited about. Maybe they're writing a new book - you'd peer over the shoulder to see what they're excited about - like a show and tell. Then you'd say how great you feel about it and listen to the direction - if they get stuck - how to move forward. After meeting up with him you'd just go on with your life. If you finish all your work, you'd say you did and when you'd like to meet up. Or you'd give hints that you're missing them to where they think about what they can do - to avoid forgetting about goals and instead put all the energy on them -> see oneself reaching one's goals and have passion in this life. Someone encouraging me to reach my goals - to work together with someone there by my side helping me out.
Memory mementos
Relationships ideally are about finding some keepsake memento memory to cherish and be strong enough to carry you through everything - something that's beside and with you 24/7 even when it's not possible in reality?
- The trick is to create a memory powerful (motivationally) enough to create this
- i.e. - a lasting memory
Dilemma
self-seeking power grab - expecting a relationship to help you out rather than bringing something to the table (i.e. giving > taking)
- just can't win
emotionally - point is to just feel emotion, but if you do that then you don't see what's happening and you don't have a relationship
Logically - trying to keep up with the other person but then you miss out on enjoying yourself
solution - both at the same time
trap - dependency
- feel joy - catching and keeping up, when you're with them
- disclaimer - if that other person will move your life forward more than you being by yourself
trap - dependency
others aren't a reflection of us - we all stand on our own |
relationships aren't for depending on another - but to be more independent - to be a pillar of strength (for others to hold onto). |
- i.e. - overthinking
- relationship - purpose - indep
- where people are there for you if you need them to be
- but when people rely on it to the point of dependency
- then it's no longer a relationship but a trap and a lot of people fall into that pit
Dating
Dating's become obsolete - so millennials need change. That change is to have 21st century dates your way:
The reasons this is needed in the 21st century, because of:
What isn't working (outdated, failed, etc.):
21st century dating approaches:
- identity politics
- MGTOWs/WGTOWs
- MGTOWs see women dating themselves
- which is true - see Emma Watson
- MGTOWs see women dating themselves
- LGTBQQIA+
- keeps changing
- (not judging, just saying) harder to keep track of who's who
- especially without offending anyone
- MGTOWs/WGTOWs
- overabundance = too many choices (good, but mostly bad for relationships)
- so many people
- on the planet to choose from
- to judge you
- more means to judge/follow/harrass you via technology
- see "The Circle" movie
- more laws against relationships
- people I know went to jail over them
- more means to judge/follow/harrass you via technology
- technology
- life moves too quickly due to technology
- emotions aren't easy to be translated over technology
- so much entertainment and tools to avoid needing relationships
- no more purpose
- is in a transition period of redefining meaning
- no more purpose
- being overhwhelmed/overloaded by changes, it's hard to think straight
- globalization/internet: globalized society where people can talk to anyone anywhere
- long distance relationships are a different dynamic
- highly mobile society
- due to - cars, telecommuting
- lack of privacy
- omnipresent tracking
- ex - cameras, documentation
- omnipresent tracking
- living longer lives (dating becomes hard when you live so long)
- online dating and other means online has failed
- there's too many options to live your life you way and have relationships your way that dating's become obsolete
- so many people
- millennials
- are
- highly social, being around everyone without wanting labels or doing anything
- too busy with schooling and jobs (due to being underpaid and overworked)
- not marrying/having kids as much
- have
- seen so many divorces and know how bad having kids without taking care of them is that it's not great to have relationships
- mental health issues - that makes it too hard to socialize
- all the tools to find out about a person to where dating's meaningless
- too many/much
- inability to afford anything
- overworking
- schooling
- how to not have relationships - like germs/spreading (in sex ed, pandemic, etc.)
- but not how to do well in relationships, marriages, with kids, etc.
- how to not have relationships - like germs/spreading (in sex ed, pandemic, etc.)
- single parent families
- are
What isn't working (outdated, failed, etc.):
- traditional
- dating
- marriage
- kids
- dating
- online
- yourself
- long-distance relationships
21st century dating approaches:
|
|
- VR relationships
- see minecraft on youtube for that
- create your own version of an ideal person/setting to date
- instead of - anything in reality
- robots
- chatbots, humanoids, avatars, create your own, etc.
- avoiding dates just to have kids
- digital kids
- adopt
- artificial means
- acceptance to have kids without a husband
probably more, but the whole idea is that dating is becoming more prosumer, which makes it either more unrealistic, unneeded, or morphing into something that doesn't resemble it, especially typically